concealed weapons

Back in the day I was digging post holes down the property line  for my old boss in Connecticut.

About 2 feet down I dug up a handgun, a mass of rust.

I dug 2 more holes, before I dug up a derringer, which was more cool, since it was part brass and more intact.

It's hard to dig up guns with post holes, because they are so small, and it's hard to know where the guns are.

My boss kept the guns. I felt like one of those truffle rooting hogs.

Bad dog!

There's a bunch of dog hysteria all over the internets, like that sleeping in the same bed with your dog is going to kill you.

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/01/20/letting-sleeping-dogs-lie-in-your-bed-can-kill-you/

It's not a big whoop to me!

Every time my dog gives me meningitis, I swat her on the nose with a newspaper and say "NO!"

boring miracle

I was looking for a nut, and it magically appeared...
that's my story, in a nutshell.

Here's the drawn out version.

I have a flip video camera, which is really hard to hold steady, so I made a "steadicam", by welding a cast iron weight to one end of a 15 inch rod, and welding a bolt on the other end, so I could thread it into the bottom of my camera, and lock it tight with a nut. Works great.

So, when I made it, I bought a spare nut, which I lost under my table in my metal shop, and haven't seen it for weeks.

No big whoop, till I decided to superglue the missing nut to the bottom of my other cheap camera, so I could attach the steadicam to it. I went down to my metal shop and hunted all over the place, but couldn't find it.

I gave up, went upstairs, sat down, and Amy says, "what's the dog eating?"

She was eating the missing nut.

I know it was THE nut because it had certain distinct markings that could only occur in my metal shop, during the last time I interacted with this particular nut.

NOT MY NUT

NOPE

THAT'S MY NUT!

But it really did have a mark.

Special fish

I just finished a cat catfish dinner from a take-out establishment that will remain anonymous.
The food is good, the portions are big, and I like the owner, if you catch my drift.

So I hope this doesn't come off negatively.

I ordered the "cat catfish" dinner, because I like catfish, and I thought it was a typo.

When I opened the styrofoam container, I had to pick little tufts of fluffy cat fur off of my food before I could eat it.

Next time I should ask for the cat-fur on the side.

Every time I eat there, there is some kind of hitch with my order, like they forget the coleslaw or something, but this was weirder.

Hepatitis monkey.

I was once gripped by urban flight.  I moved to the promised land on the north shore of lake Ponchartrain and got an apt in a cute town a short walk from the water. I met a medium sized angry monkey with hepatitis who lived in a decaying misshapen cage made of 2x4s and wire fence. It lived in someone's back yard.

Oh, and the reason these people had a hepatitis monkey in a cage in the back yard was because it was given hepatitis in a laboratory experiment, and they didn't want it to get put down.

Fool's gold

I was cleaning out my truck the other day and hauled out a pair of roller blades that were given to me, that I haven't worn in I don't know how long.

But they were in decent shape, so I lay them on the sidewalk in case anyone wanted them.

This old toothless nut came by and asked if he could have them, and I said sure.

A few days later I was going into my house and he saw my bicycle parked in there, and he asked if he could have that...  When I said no, he asked why, so I explained why. (I wanted it)

Today he asked me if I had anything to give him.

I said no, not really, nothing except a bunch of gold I had been trying to find a way to get rid of.

He got all excited, "Gold! What kind of gold!?"
I said, "Gold bars! gold bullion! all kinds of gold!"
Then he asked if he could see it and tried to follow me inside.

When I broke the news to him he was a good sport...
"Awww, that's too bad, I thought I was gonna be rich..."

Then he asked if he could have my bike... which I still wanted.

I kind of want to start carrying magic beans, so I don't have to be such a stingy bastard.

Strike!

I was worming my way into a secret sealed off stairwell under my bathroom to check on a leaking drain.
While squeezing back through I found this thing. It's not a button. It's the same on each side. It is awesome.

Tortoise, turtle, I love them both, each in their own way.

Sunflower the tortoise is a real mensch, and a patron of the arts to boot.
He'd love it if you'd check out my project at  http://walletportrait.blogspot.com/2011/01/on-nose.html

Anyhow, I've always had good times with turtles/tortoises, I've gone out on a limb for them before, and it's touching that a tortoise would do the same for me.

As any faithful Thoughts and feelings follower knows, I once saved a turtle from Michael Jackson.
http://adamernestfarrington.blogspot.com/2010/10/set-my-blanket-free.html

Another time I was rowing my boat in city park, and freed a turtle who had swallowed a fish hook, and was tangled in a dead tree.

And there was the time I rowed up on a turtle who had wedged himself between 2 cypress knees.
His head was in the water, and his ass was in the air, he was obviously dead, as he'd been there so long he had grown green slime on the submerged part of his shell.

It was really sad.

I don't know why I even bothered to poke him with my paddle...
He sucked all his parts up into his shell!
So I saved him also.

I learned my lesson, and vowed never to give up on a turtle, without taking his pulse first.

One day I rowed all the way from lake Ponchartrain, up the canal, all the way to the pumping station, and discovered another stranded turtle on top of some pipes over the water.

I poked him, and he fell into my boat, broke open, I almost had to bail out, the stench was so bad.
I almost threw up, Then after that, I almost threw up. I flipped him overboard with my oar.
There was rancid turtle matter on the floor of the boat. I almost threw up.
I had to row to the shore and scrub out with water and weeds. Grosssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!

Damn right I'd do it again!
Anything for the turtles.