Friday, February 4, 2011

Different kinds of Jabbas

My pal Scott and I sure do like our iced tea.
We drink it every time we eat our lunches at Le Madeline.

The cashier gives us our paper cups...


I'm not sexist or anything, but statistically, a tea jabba is a woman. She's usually O-beast, and fusses around trying to get just the right amount of ice, and after she finally tops off her tea, she picks up the tongs and carefully plucks 3 of the lemons with the least seeds. TEA-JABBA!!!

I try to control my frustration.

In the big picture, I should celebrate our mutual love of iced tea and free refills...

Rather than condemn the jabba for her thoughtless oblivion of those behind her.

It reminds me of a quote by Harry Kemp.
"I see the pokey TEA-JABBA and boast, I'd be so outta there with MY tea...
Perhapse someone somewhere, sees a tea-jabba in me..."

There's also bread-jabbas.
You can get all the free bread you want at Le Madeline.
All you have to do is... pick... up.. the...tongs. and...
There's free butter and jam also.
As a demographic, the different kinds of jabbas tend to overlap.
Sometimes we mutter "hey jabbajabbajabbajabba..." to dissipate some of the nervous energy of waiting.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

concealed weapons

Back in the day I was digging post holes down the property line  for my old boss in Connecticut.

About 2 feet down I dug up a handgun, a mass of rust.

I dug 2 more holes, before I dug up a derringer, which was more cool, since it was part brass and more intact.

It's hard to dig up guns with post holes, because they are so small, and it's hard to know where the guns are.

My boss kept the guns. I felt like one of those truffle rooting hogs.

Bad dog!

There's a bunch of dog hysteria all over the internets, like that sleeping in the same bed with your dog is going to kill you.

It's not a big whoop to me!

Every time my dog gives me meningitis, I swat her on the nose with a newspaper and say "NO!"

Monday, January 24, 2011

boring miracle

I was looking for a nut, and it magically appeared...
that's my story, in a nutshell.

Here's the drawn out version.

I have a flip video camera, which is really hard to hold steady, so I made a "steadicam", by welding a cast iron weight to one end of a 15 inch rod, and welding a bolt on the other end, so I could thread it into the bottom of my camera, and lock it tight with a nut. Works great.

So, when I made it, I bought a spare nut, which I lost under my table in my metal shop, and haven't seen it for weeks.

No big whoop, till I decided to superglue the missing nut to the bottom of my other cheap camera, so I could attach the steadicam to it. I went down to my metal shop and hunted all over the place, but couldn't find it.

I gave up, went upstairs, sat down, and Amy says, "what's the dog eating?"

She was eating the missing nut.

I know it was THE nut because it had certain distinct markings that could only occur in my metal shop, during the last time I interacted with this particular nut.



But it really did have a mark.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Special fish

I just finished a cat catfish dinner from a take-out establishment that will remain anonymous.
The food is good, the portions are big, and I like the owner, if you catch my drift.

So I hope this doesn't come off negatively.

I ordered the "cat catfish" dinner, because I like catfish, and I thought it was a typo.

When I opened the styrofoam container, I had to pick little tufts of fluffy cat fur off of my food before I could eat it.

Next time I should ask for the cat-fur on the side.

Every time I eat there, there is some kind of hitch with my order, like they forget the coleslaw or something, but this was weirder.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Hepatitis monkey.

I was once gripped by urban flight.  I moved to the promised land on the north shore of lake Ponchartrain and got an apt in a cute town a short walk from the water. I met a medium sized angry monkey with hepatitis who lived in a decaying misshapen cage made of 2x4s and wire fence. It lived in someone's back yard.

Oh, and the reason these people had a hepatitis monkey in a cage in the back yard was because it was given hepatitis in a laboratory experiment, and they didn't want it to get put down.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Fool's gold

I was cleaning out my truck the other day and hauled out a pair of roller blades that were given to me, that I haven't worn in I don't know how long.

But they were in decent shape, so I lay them on the sidewalk in case anyone wanted them.

This old toothless nut came by and asked if he could have them, and I said sure.

A few days later I was going into my house and he saw my bicycle parked in there, and he asked if he could have that...  When I said no, he asked why, so I explained why. (I wanted it)

Today he asked me if I had anything to give him.

I said no, not really, nothing except a bunch of gold I had been trying to find a way to get rid of.

He got all excited, "Gold! What kind of gold!?"
I said, "Gold bars! gold bullion! all kinds of gold!"
Then he asked if he could see it and tried to follow me inside.

When I broke the news to him he was a good sport...
"Awww, that's too bad, I thought I was gonna be rich..."

Then he asked if he could have my bike... which I still wanted.

I kind of want to start carrying magic beans, so I don't have to be such a stingy bastard.